My latest work.
Sometimes, even the strongest/most positive/self assured of us have our moments. We can be sailing along, wind at our backs, thinking everything’s a-ok, and then, BOOM! A wave of self doubt comes out of nowhere, smashing our vessel into the rocks again and again, until we’re nothing but a pile of splintered remains.
A little extreme? Maybe, but I’ve had a bit too much coffee today (and I’ll likely have more so I can do everything I need to get done), and I’m feeling a little punchy. And really, that’s pretty much what self doubt does to a person. Sometimes it’s a little voice in the back of your head telling you “no, you can’t do that,” and sometimes, well, it’s a giant freaking iceberg, and you’re the Titanic.
The reality for me the last little while is somewhere in the middle, but it floats from side to side dependent on my state of mind at any given moment. I’ve conquered quite a number of my issues the last little while (my body image has been through the roof, and so has my energy since I went back to working out daily), and for the most part, I believe in myself. Every once in a while though, the little doubts start sneaking in, and before I know it, I’m putting off doing things I really want or need to do because I’m afraid that no one will like them, or, what’s worse, I might really suck at them.
I’m pretty sure all my readers know (and I don’t have a lot of you yet so I think that’s a given) by now, that I’ve been working on a website called Epic Winnipeg. I’m pretty proud of my hometown, issues or not, and I want to get it out there. I’ve had a lot of good support and feedback on it, and so far, people seem to like it. I’ve noticed though, that I’ve almost been afraid to put up any posts, because I worry that once it gets out there, and more and more people see it, that they won’t like it, and so, I stall, and then I stall some more, and then, well, you get the idea.
The same goes with my painting. I paint because I love to paint. I really feel good when I do it, and I feel like it’s something I need to do. Am I a Picasso, or a Van Gogh? Absolutely not, but I don’t want to be. I want to be Tara. Tara’s a good person to be. My paintings have been referred to as “whimsical,” which really is an apt description. I’m a fairly light (in spirit) and whimsical person, so it’s fitting that my art would be too. I don’t really have a lot of angst to put into my art, I think I do a pretty good job of getting it out in other ways.
The idea was brought up about selling some of my paintings, either online or at a craft fair or such. I think it’s a great idea. I love painting, and I seem to get good feedback on what I do. I’m still learning, so I wouldn’t charge a lot. I’m basically just happy to be able to make enough on them to keep painting. Maybe as I gain in skill that will change, but for now, that’s good enough.
So, it’s a great idea, why haven’t I done it? It’s that pesky self doubt creeping in! Why does it hit me like that? With my painting, I could go and say that maybe my mother didn’t encourage the talent I showed when I was a kid, and blah blah blah. She didn’t really, but I don’t blame her, I think she likely just didn’t know how. And really, I’m 37 years old (almost!), so the whole childhood thing doesn’t really wash. It’s fear, plain and simple. Fear of what, I couldn’t tell ya.
Here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to get off my butt (but not this second, because it’s way easier to type sitting down), and I’m going to put myself out there, and I’m going to BELIEVE in myself. I got this. I can do it. Self doubt, BEGONE! You and your excuses suck! Go away! I’m giving you written notice. If it’s it writing, it cannot be denied, damn it! GO TARA GO!
Do you suffer from self doubt from time to time? How do you deal with it? Do you just let it do its thing, or do you have a way to silence it? I’m curious to know. Leave a comment below!
Cheers!
Tara
Self-doubt sits on my shoulder like the little devil it is. Mostly I ignore it and it goes away. Interesting that. Sometimes though, the self-doubt is there for a reason. Maybe I am doing too much or I began a task unprepared. The devil on my shoulder is telling me to back off a bit. Do I WANT to do this? Do I NEED to? Mostly it is about me believing I am a good and deserving person. When I ignore the self-doubt it shrivels into oblivion until it can figure a reason to bother me again. We all deserve to feel good about ourselves.
Well said, Paul!
I think my self esteem is pretty decent these days, but sometimes, it sneaks in there, and keeps me from doing things that I really want to do, things that are important to me. NOT COOL, self doubt. Not cool. The thing about putting it down in writing though, is it’s out there, I mentioned it, so now I am accountable. Sometimes I really need the sense of accountability.
Every day, I fight the good fight to be positive, to look forward with anticipation and backward with a smile of delight. But there are days when my eyes glaze over and all I can do is drink more tea. And on those days, I forget my purpose; I forget I ever had one.
… So, how do you regain your purpose again, or does it just return on its own after you’ve had enough tea? <3
Usually by doing something completely different, such as take a trip—even a day trip. If I can’t take a trip, I take a mind trip by getting lost in a book or a movie. Or, I list three things and get them done, and then check them off.